How can we identify the biological father of a child?

Updated on : December 8, 2021 by Bently Mayo



How can we identify the biological father of a child?

With a DNA test. Easy. Ask the man to come and give you a blood sample. The boy gives a sample of his blood. They will analyze the DNA of both and give you the answer.

It happened to me. I remain anonymous for obvious reasons.

A few years ago, part of my job required me to travel abroad. I spent 2-3 months at home and abroad alternately for about 2 years. I had a 2-year-old son and a side business that some friends and I co-founded. I was busy with my day job, so my wife helped me run the store on my behalf, so I spent a lot of time working in the store together with my friends.

One day, I was abroad and I received a phone call from my wife saying that she was pregnant again. It was totally unexpected, but soon the feeling of happiness overcame the vague doubt I had.

Quick forwa

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It happened to me. I remain anonymous for obvious reasons.

A few years ago, part of my job required me to travel abroad. I spent 2-3 months at home and abroad alternately for about 2 years. I had a 2-year-old son and a side business that some friends and I co-founded. I was busy with my day job, so my wife helped me run the store on my behalf, so I spent a lot of time working in the store together with my friends.

One day, I was abroad and I received a phone call from my wife saying that she was pregnant again. It was totally unexpected, but soon the feeling of happiness overcame the vague doubt I had.

Fast forward a few years, I no longer had to travel for work and had 2 young children that I love very much. Everyone says that my oldest son is a smaller version of me, while the little one does not look like me at all, in the least. I never had any suspicions about our biological relationship until one day I learned of a conversation between my wife and one of my friend (who was married and had a son. Let's call him Ken) when I was away in which he confessed his affection. she. My wife denied any relationship between them and said it was just Ken and that she did not reciprocate.

I was shocked and couldn't believe Ken could do that to me, but it was just the beginning. Since then he had had this uneasy feeling. Somehow I knew that my wife was not telling the truth, but I have no way of finding out. As my youngest son grows up, he looks like Ken. I told myself that I needed to figure this out once and for all. I had DNA tests done, twice. And as you can guess, the two results confirmed that I was not the biological father.

I was lost. Not even in my wildest dream can I imagine this happening to me. I asked my wife to tell me the truth, and with the evidence in hand, she couldn't deny it any more and admitted to having an affair with my friend when I left. My world collapsed. I walked away broken. I was wandering here and there for a month thinking about what I did wrong and what purpose I was living for.

After I regain my sanity. I called my friend in the most calm way I could to inform him that I had a son that I did not know and told him that I was ready to return it to him. Then I called my wife and told her that I wanted a divorce and that everything was arranged for that to happen as soon as possible. I want revenge. "They have to pay for what they did to me." I thought. I fully supported my wife financially, she did not have a job and could not support the child alone. Ken, on the other hand, was a successful businessman, but he had a family with two daughters and he was sure he wouldn't have the courage to tell his wife this, and he was right. For almost a year, when we were in the middle of the divorce, she never visited her son or provided any support. I guess he was busy covering things up. I could have easily talked to his wife (we're friends too) but I refrained. He didn't want his innocent children to be in the same situation as mine, at least not because of me.

So we agreed that my oldest son would stay with me and the youngest would live with his mother after the divorce. My oldest son is a bit smart. He can take care of himself. He learned the alphabet, colors and shapes by himself by watching YouTube videos when I left on business (English is not our mother tongue and we are living in an English speaking country). The second is not so smart. It is soft and sentimental. So, in a way, I was really worried about him.

I thought I would feel better after my revenge. I did not do it. When my selfishness subsided, I really missed my youngest son and the time we were together. I missed the moment when he kissed me goodbye before going to work on the sidewalk every morning and immediately ran to the front window, set up a chair so he could look out, and said hello as I walked away. If you have children, you probably know how you feel.

When the divorce was closing (it was complicated due to the nature of our marriage), I stopped by for a day to see it. His mother had to look for work, so she didn't have time to take good care of him like when they lived with me. He immediately ran over and hugged me as soon as I appeared at the door. I looked at it for a long time. He had a skin disease due to the hygiene of the water where he lived and was obviously not in good shape. It hit me a lot to look back and think how cute and healthy she used to be. When he asked me "Dad, when will you pick me up and come home?" I was crying before I knew it. I spent the night with him that day. In his dream, he cried: "I love my dad. Where is my dad?" Suddenly all the memories came back to that moment when I first held him in my arms on his birthday, every white night feeding him and changing explosive diapers while humming songs that don't exist trying to get him to sleep, that moment when he gave his first step, the whole family Walking days in which we ran, laughed, kissed and sang… All this made me realize what was important to me and how bad I was as a father. I had failed my children miserably. I just need my children to be happy. It didn't matter if he was my biological son or not. Our bond was real and strong. I love him and he loves me. That's all that matters. I grew up with the blessing and love of my parents. Why did I let my son suffer for the mistake he didn't make? I cried out loud like a child it feels good to show your true feelings once in a while ... every white night feeding him and changing explosive diapers while humming songs that don't exist trying to get him to sleep, that moment he took his first step, all the family outings in the that we ran, laughed, kissed and sang… All of those made me realize what was important to me and how bad I was as a father. I had failed my children miserably. I just need my children to be happy. It didn't matter if he was my biological son or not. Our bond was real and strong. I love him and he loves me. That's all that matters. I grew up with the blessing and love of my parents. Why did I let my son suffer for the mistake he didn't make? I cried out loud like a child it feels good to show your true feelings once in a while ... every white night feeding him and changing explosive diapers while humming songs that don't exist trying to get him to sleep, that moment he took his first step, all the family outings in the that we ran, laughed, kissed and sang… All of those made me realize what was important to me and how bad I was as a father. I had failed my children miserably. I just need my children to be happy. It didn't matter if he was my biological son or not. Our bond was real and strong. I love him and he loves me. That's all that matters. I grew up with the blessing and love of my parents. Why did I let my son suffer for the mistake he didn't make? I cried out loud like a child It feels good to show your true feelings from time to time ... that moment when you took your first step, all the family outings where we ran, laughed, kissed and sang ... All of that made me realize what was important for me and how bad he was as a father. I had failed my children miserably. I just need my children to be happy. It didn't matter if he was my biological son or not. Our bond was real and strong. I love him and he loves me. That's all that matters. I grew up with the blessing and love of my parents. Why did I let my son suffer for the mistake he didn't make? I cried out loud like a child, it feels good to show your true feelings every now and then ... that moment when you took your first step, all the family outings where we ran, laughed, we kissed and sang… All that made me realize what was important to me and how bad I was as a father. I had failed my children miserably. I just need my children to be happy. It didn't matter if he was my biological son or not. Our bond was real and strong. I love him and he loves me. That's all that matters. I grew up with the blessing and love of my parents. Why did I let my son suffer for the mistake he didn't make? I cried out loud like a child, it feels good to show your true feelings from time to time ... It didn't matter if it was my biological child or not. Our bond was real and strong. I love him and he loves me. That's all that matters. I grew up with the blessing and love of my parents. Why did I let my son suffer for the mistake he didn't make? I cried out loud like a child It feels good to show your true feelings from time to time ... It didn't matter if he was my biological son or not. Our bond was real and strong. I love him and he loves me. That's all that matters. I grew up with the blessing and love of my parents. Why did I let my son suffer for the mistake he didn't make? I cried out loud like a child, it feels good to show your true feelings from time to time ...

Fast forward a year, now we are together again. I spoke to Ken. We agreed that the boy is MY son and he had to stay away from him for the rest of his life.

The boys are growing up fast, happy and loved. I'm glad to have you in my life. This parenting is something that I wouldn't change the world for.

I love my children and I continue to learn to be a good father ...

To update

Thank you all for reading my life story and for commenting. I would like to clarify a few things:

  • When I say that my youngest son was soft and sentimental, I am not saying it in a negative way. Imagine that you are a parent bear in the wild and you have two cubs. One was strong and smart, the other was not. Knowing that surviving is difficult and brutal, you probably worry more about the latter and probably spend more time preparing for it.
  • As for Ken, I didn't want to expose him because I couldn't care less for him. What I was going to do had nothing to do with me. He also has children and I don't want them to be left without their parents for their infidelity. Children are innocent, I will not repeat my mistake.

Update 2 (and final)

  • Wow, the response to my story was overwhelming, so I decided to give some updates:
  • I guess this story is incomplete without talking about my wife. Due to immigration status, a divorce means separation for all of us, so we are putting it off. My wife and I stay on the same roof as roommates. I am helping her get all the training she needs for a better job when the situation changes. We will remain friends and I sincerely hope things turn out better for him. After all, she is still the mother of my children and no one is happy to see her mother fight.
  • For those who called me weak, foolish ... I thank you for thinking for me and I thank you. I totally understand your reasons. If this hadn't happened to me, I never would have thought I could do this. But when it is a reality, you have to deal with it and learn from it. I am glad that I have learned to forgive and have experienced love. You know that cliché that says "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade"? Well, maybe it's not a cliché after all.

It is not easy to handle.

For many years, I lived with my mother, my father and my sister thinking that we are a good family, spending time together, helping each other, etc.

Very soon I realized that I was quite different from my father: physically and also without any common interest. It was there, but it wasn't really there.

Growing up, I began to have a few more doubts, which were confirmed by genetics classes in high school: If no one has blue eyes in your family, you must be wondering why. However, my mother, I always found an explanation that I accepted at the time because I trusted

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It is not easy to handle.

For many years, I lived with my mother, my father and my sister thinking that we are a good family, spending time together, helping each other, etc.

Very soon I realized that I was quite different from my father: physically and also without any common interest. It was there, but it wasn't really there.

Growing up, I began to have a few more doubts, which were confirmed by genetics classes in high school: If no one has blue eyes in your family, you must be wondering why. However, my mother always found an explanation that I accepted at that time because I trusted her.

When I was in my 20s I had a real questioning again and my mother told me again that there is nothing to worry about.

Three years ago, while we were having drinks on a nice summer day, my mother began to tell me about her childhood and ended the conversation by telling me that, by the way, your father is not your father. He did not make much of this when he told me how he had me before marrying my current father. He also told me that my biological father died some years before, so there would be no way of knowing him. Of course I was very surprised, but I quickly locked everything inside myself, without delving into the matter.

I asked myself random questions about the situation, putting things together, finding answers for many situations that happened when I was young (why did I feel so different from my dad and my half sister, why did my paternal grandmother not seem like me, etc. ) and occasionally asked my mother questions about my biological father. She always gave me short answers, because she was not interested in knowing more about him. They only spoke once or twice after I was born.

About 1 year after this event, I started to feel really sad and empty inside. I lost interest in most of my hobbies and started asking a lot of questions about my life, my goals, my role. At first I thought my job was flawed and after a few months of hesitation and balancing some options, I decided to quit. I felt that my place was not there in that particular firm, that I had enough and it was time to move on.

A few months after quitting, I had a meltdown, I felt very depressed and anxious and couldn't really explain why, because I knew that with my resume I would eventually end up finding another job.

When things got worse, I sought professional help. During a session with my therapist, we talked about my family and told him about the revelation I had. A few questions later from her, I burst into tears and realized that the secrecy and the lie had a greater impact on me than I first thought.

Yes, it is true, that I had a good childhood, with mother, father, sister, vacations. Yes, it is not the most dramatic story you can hear. However, the fact that for 24 years I was lied to by the only person I really trusted and appreciated a lot - my mother - and that I was always in a very ambiguous psychological situation of "knowing something is wrong" but "not really knowing ”, Feeling different, strange, not in my place; All of this had a great impact on me, my future behavior and my way of thinking.

Mothers can lie to their children for different reasons, my mother had no solid reason to lie about this - she had the opportunity to answer a simple question many times. My mother eventually told me the truth, in a very casual way, as if you were telling someone something you read somewhere. There wasn't much emotion involved in that conversation. My mother thought this wasn't a big deal, so she told me that I shouldn't tell my current father that I know (he knows, of course!), Nor my half sister. My mother also told me to go ahead and not over-dramatize this.

Unfortunately, I can't get over it.

October 2019 update After more than two years since the previous answer, I have managed to forgive my mother and move on. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself and get excited when I reopen this "drawer" of my life. I keep looking for answers and puzzle pieces to complete my story and learn more about my origins: I visited the grave of my biological father and saw a photo of him. I know that I have two brothers in the world.

Now I have a baby and the best thing I can do is give him a nice, warm and hassle-free family history.

In writing this answer to this question, I never imagined that there would be so many people who could relate to this (around 300 people read this every week).

Best of luck to everyone in this situation.

A DNA test is the best way, but if the theory of evolution (and Maury Povitch) teaches us anything, it's that if you think you're not the father (unless it's for selfish reasons, you're probably right.

Children tend to look more like their parents. Some scientists assume that it is because women give birth and men need to have another way to recognize their offspring (previous DNA test)

As a general rule of thumb, if you want the child and the relationship but don't think it's yours, it probably isn't. If you don't want the child or the relationship, get the DNA test done.

Really ask yourself if DNA testing will change

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A DNA test is the best way, but if the theory of evolution (and Maury Povitch) teaches us anything, it's that if you think you're not the father (unless it's for selfish reasons, you're probably right.

Children tend to look more like their parents. Some scientists assume that it is because women give birth and men need to have another way to recognize their offspring (previous DNA test)

As a general rule of thumb, if you want the child and the relationship but don't think it's yours, it probably isn't. If you don't want the child or the relationship, get the DNA test done.

Really ask yourself if DNA testing will change your decision - will this be less your child due to DNA? Would you punish a ten-year-old boy for his mother's ten-year infidelity?

Infidelity is an important issue to address and should be more concerning than whether a child is genetically yours or not. A large number of men choose to leave the unfaithful woman and continue raising the child. People don't tend to cheat on really amazing human beings, and most good guys don't want to condemn their kids to a life where the parents of a guy hanging around bars trying to pick up random girls.

So before doing this I think the difficult but important questions are:

  • Why am I doing this and how do I feel about it?
  • Am I aware that she has been unfaithful and I want to just leave her and keep joint custody so that my son has a good father?
  • What will I do if the child is not mine? How will I feel if the child is mine and I question it?
  • What will my partner do when they find out that I don't trust her, if the test says I'm the father?
  • Am I using this DNA test to have a cheat "test"? (If so, it is not likely to work. Cheating women will generally use protection with boyfriend (s) that they would not use with their spouses.

If your child is “out there,” where have you been during your mother's pregnancy and birth and attending to her early needs? Not there? And this guy came and helped? I'm not sure what to say. Quora is full of men who seem to want to show up and out of their children's and children's mother's lives and I can understand the mother stopping it and saying, "Okay then, you're completely out."

Now if you want to step up and take some responsibility, you can apply for paternity, take a DNA test, the court will order one for your child to prove that you are the father and that step comes with

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If your child is “out there,” where have you been during your mother's pregnancy and birth and attending to her early needs? Not there? And this guy came and helped? I'm not sure what to say. Quora is full of men who seem to want to show up and out of their children's and children's mother's lives and I can understand the mother stopping it and saying, "Okay then, you're completely out."

Now if you want to step up and take some responsibility, you can file a paternity application, run a DNA test, the court will order one for your child to prove that you are the father and that step comes with providing your information to They can start collecting child support. There is no guarantee with this that you will see your child, and the state will have your information in case things don't work out with the stepfather and the child's mother needs some kind of benefits to raise the child.

Lest you think I'm being critical, it's a painful situation to be in. One of the dearest members of my family had multiple struggles when he was young, and the mother of his children told him that he needed to be completely on or all the way, and I think it was pretty obvious that all the way was the only way he could. drive at that time. But on Thanksgiving their eldest son was 16, the mother made dad stay for the weekend and bring them together. The older boy was having problems of his own and ended up going to the other side of the country to live with him and finish high school.

In the end, she has settled in her home state with her man and son, but her father has become a wonderful grandfather.

Can you get a DNA test done? If not, there are other roundabout ways to make or deny connections (even if your parents have died, so it's too late to be told the truth or DNA tested). If you want to have a good relationship with your parents, you can keep the tests a secret or wait until they die.

Example: I discovered a connection from a distant cousin through a close match at one of those genealogy companies. We got in touch and exchanged information about the family tree. There were two people I could match with, and it was decided that each would spend extra

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Can you get a DNA test done? If not, there are other roundabout ways to make or deny connections (even if your parents have died, so it's too late to be told the truth or DNA tested). If you want to have a good relationship with your parents, you can keep the tests a secret or wait until they die.

Example: I discovered a connection from a distant cousin through a close match at one of those genealogy companies. We got in touch and exchanged information about the family tree. There were two people I could pair with, and it was decided that each of us would spend extra money to see which, if any, we would get a really great match with.

Well, it turned out that one of the cousins ​​did not match his brother (matched only as half brother). So which one was wrong about who his father was? The one that did not correspond to me. The other had an excellent game with me. This was confirmed when his grandfather was tested, and it was no longer necessary to include me in the distant connection. As a side effect, he confirmed that the people he knew as my father and my grandfather were really my father and my grandfather.

Do you have a brother or a sister? Or several? Test all the siblings. Compare each pair to see if they have a DNA match as siblings or half siblings. (You only need one test per brother). You can put them in groups so that everyone in a group has the same parent. But what father? Find a cousin (first cousin would be fine, but not required) on your father's side and have him take a test. A match with one of the groups suggests that that group has the father claimed as the actual father, and the others do not.

This can get a bit expensive and the basic tests these companies offer get a lot of random matches. You may need to spend a couple hundred dollars for a detailed test. By brother.

For me, it was a DNA test, supervised by the state of Pennsylvania. I had already moved from Erie to New York City when the oil field collapsed in the mid-1980s. An old friend told me that my ex was pregnant and she was sure the baby was mine. I wasn't so sure, due to the contraceptive method we both used, so I said, "Try it." Three months after the birth of my daughter, the state ordered me to provide a blood sample for a paternity test, which came back positive. Then I became a co-parent, with joint custody, four months and four months away, and monthly child support.

When kate turns

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For me, it was a DNA test, supervised by the state of Pennsylvania. I had already moved from Erie to New York City when the oil field collapsed in the mid-1980s. An old friend told me that my ex was pregnant and she was sure the baby was mine. I wasn't so sure, due to the contraceptive method we both used, so I said, "Try it." Three months after the birth of my daughter, the state ordered me to provide a blood sample for a paternity test, which came back positive. Then I became a co-parent, with joint custody, four months and four months away, and monthly child support.

When Kate turned two, her recruiter seduced her mother into the military. He called me to let me know, with the directive that "his lawyer draw up documents that grant him full custody while I am active." So I scared off a lawyer and helped draft an agreement that gave me full custody as long as Kate's mother was affiliated with the Army, including the Reserve. She signed it and for the rest of her life came to see her daughter for a total of seven days. Some mom.

I never looked back and became Mr. Mom. I raised my daughter as a single parent and loved every step. There were joys and heartaches, but not a minute would change.

I would not label this under "Genetics".
It's more of a psychological issue.

You need to find out why this question suddenly came up. Was it someone sowing seeds of doubt in your mind or was it some behavior that triggered this problem?

I doubt this is a hypothetical question as a simple Google search will reveal links to genetic testing labs, however if the source of this doubt is not found and / or corrected, this is just the tip of the iceberg that will then sink the relationship.

If the child is already born and has been with the child for a while, do you want to ruin the f

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I would not label this under "Genetics".
It's more of a psychological issue.

You need to find out why this question suddenly came up. Was it someone sowing seeds of doubt in your mind or was it some behavior that triggered this problem?

I doubt this is a hypothetical question as a simple Google search will reveal links to genetic testing labs, however if the source of this doubt is not found and / or corrected, this is just the tip of the iceberg that will then sink the relationship.

If the child is already born and you have been with him for a while, do you want to ruin the family with that questioning?
Your child accepted you as a father and you accepted him as your own, will the gene count be more important than the bond that the two of you have formed?

So again, what is the real reason for asking this question?

Absolutely yes, we don't have that much variation in the entire human race.

My father has blue eyes, he used to have blond hair and is very light skinned. My mother has darker skin, dark brown to black hair, and brown eyes. The characteristics of my father are generally the recessive gene and it is true that all children look like my mother (well, I am going bald like my father). All the grandchildren also have dark hair and brown eyes.

About 12 years ago, my sister adopted a boy she had been raising. He is the spitting image of my father, he is the only grandson who looks anything like my father. He is too

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Absolutely yes, we don't have that much variation in the entire human race.

My father has blue eyes, he used to have blond hair and is very light skinned. My mother has darker skin, dark brown to black hair, and brown eyes. The characteristics of my father are generally the recessive gene and it is true that all children look like my mother (well, I am going bald like my father). All the grandchildren also have dark hair and brown eyes.

About 12 years ago, my sister adopted a boy she had been raising. He is the spitting image of my father, he is the only grandson who looks anything like my father. Nor is he any relative, at least since our various families have been to the Americas.

I assume you are the potential father; otherwise, you would find out that you wore it for 9 months and gave birth to it, so I suggest you take a DNA test or a paternity test. You can do this without the mother's permission, as long as she lists him as the father on the birth certificate.

Now, if she denies you parental rights and you are not on the birth certificate, you can get a lawyer to present a paternity test in court to establish your paternity and sometimes you can do it on your own. check with the courts and the laws of your state, province or country.

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I assume you are the potential father; otherwise, you would find out that you wore it for 9 months and gave birth to it, so I suggest you take a DNA test or a paternity test. You can do this without the mother's permission, as long as she lists him as the father on the birth certificate.

Now, if she denies you parental rights and you are not on the birth certificate, you can get a lawyer to present a paternity test in court to establish your paternity and sometimes you can do it on your own. check with the courts and the laws of your state, province or country. However, this can be a bit difficult if you have included another man on the birth certificate. Again, check with the courts.

If she's married and you were her lover, then it's a mess. I suggest you get a lawyer, because in some cases, the husband has more rights than the paternal father. Really messy.

I agree with Mary. Biology does not matter, but the presence of the father in the life of his son does. So even if they don't share the same DNA, it doesn't matter. A parent is a parent out of action, not DNA. One day, your child may want to meet his biological father, but until then, be honest and remind him that DNA is not the same as "being there." If this were not true, the adoption would not be legitimate. And we all know that loving parents can raise adopted children as if the child were their own. So that proves that DNA doesn't matter.

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